The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I remember when I was in middle school I was hanging out with the 'k' twins. K1 had been closer to me than k2. I net k2 later on. So anyways. K1 had given me a bracelet that she said was from a couple of brothers. Unfortunately I can no longer remember their names. I had never met the brothers. This bracelet was pure gold with two hearts intertwined. It was big so I used it as an anklet. K1 had said that one of the brothers wanted to date me. At the time I just wanted to feel better about my life. I wrote tons of notes to the brother who supposedly gave me the bracelet and hid them under my window in the rock garden. Notes that I told k1 to pass on the information to the brother but we're never recovered. One day my mom and her boyfriend caught me wearing the anklet. I had it for about a month wearing it every day even though I never saw him. My mom saw it and flipped out. She demanded I give it back to k1. So I did. My home life was hard enough I didn't need to give them any more reason to abuse me as a form of discipline. One night our neighbors complained they were kept awake by a guy walking down our street and shouting my name. Unfortunately I never heard it, I was unconscious. The next day a guy showed up at my door step looking for someone who didn't live at my house. He had jet black hair, blue icy eyes that seemed to look into my soul and very sharp pointy teeth that looked like fangs. I stood there staring for a minute before I politely responded I had never heard of the person. He left. I changed my clothes and went for a walk hoping to see him again. I never saw him again, nor did I ever hear from the brothers. Eventually the 'k' twins and I drifted apart. I haven't seen them since high school. I don't know why I had this particular memory stuck in my head today. I never questioned why my mom freaked out the way she did, or even where the bracelet really came from. I never questioned why me of all people. I don't know. I'll probably never know.

I had a dream about a man who secretly loved me. I mean really loved me with a love found only in books. He was told to give me up but he couldn't. He even spoiled me a little. It had to appear we knew each other from work or something. It was a good dream even though I had been a secret. Back to reality no such person exists. Lol well at least it was a nice break from the nightmares I have been having all week.

Hmmm what a weird dream. I keep dreaming about my ex best friend who said I play the victim. There has to be something going on in her life. Normally I would reach out and see what it is, try to help, be a hero. This time I am not doing that. She burned her bridge so I hope she gets it figured out. I am just not doing it anymore. Why should I reach out to people who treat me like shit?

Yesterday I got to thinking about some of my past. It was almost 2 years after the car accident that fucked me up. I had been forced to move back to the city I hated. SOB 2 didn't want to work. Life was too short for him to waste it on work was his words. But we needed money to stay alive so I got a job. I was a door to door salesperson. It was late August and hot as hell. I had to lug around these heavy boxes on foot trying to get customers. There were a small group of us. Every day around lunch time we would all go to a place to eat. Except I didn't have any money. I sat there taking care of blisters on my feet and drinking water. I was so hungry. Every shift was over 12 hours long. Sometimes I worked 16 hours, in the heat. Any little money I made he spent it all on stupid shit causing us to really struggle. There were many times we would have to go to churches and receive charity. It was embarrassing and I kept working harder just to try to make it. It's irritating when I have to deal with him for 6 more years and he thinks he was was such a great person. That the divorce in 2016 was all on me and unprovoked. I let him think what he wants just so I don't really have to deal with him much. I know better though.

Well that can't be good. I have had such extreme nightmares I woke up with my chest wall swollen from stress. Nothing like starting my day waking up crying and icing my chest. Sigh.

Today I figured I would write something happier. I can't face and erase all my demons all at once. I am doing better right now. Although now I have to watch my BP. I am not looking forward to the heat of summer but at least it finally stopped raining. Today I am really going to try and work more on my project I was supposed to release 5 months ago. It's taking me longer but I am enjoying the process.

I was surprised tonight when Mr. A was nice to me for a few minutes. Normally, he shuts me out, ignores me. It's been five months since he said any sort of compliment. It's a little frustrating.

In other news, I am doing a little bit better. Career-wise things are finally shaping up. Maybe I will make a name for myself. That has helped my mood some I am not going to lie.

Healthwise things are still a thumbs down for me. I am still giving my best effort to get myself healed and in better shape to function better.

Today I had a dream about Ms. T. I haven't seen her since high-school. She used to be my best friend but after graduating high-school she did nothing with her life. She became a shut in and takes care of her disabled parents. I miss her sometimes. She was a lot of fun to be around. I forgave her for bad mouthing me along with my abuser in the garage right before we graduated. Hell she probably did talk badly about me behind my back during school. But I can't be too mad about it I wasn't on a good path. Anyways it's not normal for me to dream of living people. My dreams aren't usually like that. It was nice to catch up in my dream but makes me wonder why did I dream about her. I hope she is ok. I don't have any way of contacting her. She broke off all ties to the world the day after graduation.

Recently I was face to face with one of my abusers growing up. I didn't hurt him like I wanted to. Maybe I am getting soft. The old me would have jumped at the chance to make him pay for everything he ever did to me. I was extremely happy to see he wasn't doing great. Thinking back I sure hope righting my karma and not fucking killing him is the best answer. He did a lot of shit to me. I hope that means I am still growing as a person. He was the first person only life to continue to hurt me on a daily basis. I got beat everytime I even looked like I had an attitude. At 12 I was forced to work so I could pay rent. At 15 he forced me on the streets. He didn't care what happened to me and trust me that was my nicer memories. Once on the streets it was a different ballgame. I weighed 50 lbs at 15. I had to sleep outside in the cold and the rain. I ate out of trash cans, ate bark off of trees and off of peoples plates when I would bus them. I was called fat and ugly every single day. I paid for my own schooling and clothes. I didn't have a pair of jeans til I was in high-school. By that point I was doing everything I could think to not starve or freeze to death. Eventually I ended up at party where a guy said I could stay with him. He was nice enough and it had started to snow. He was a convicted child molester who got a 14 year girl pregnant. I later found that out. After I found out he was drugging me and raping me every night while I was unconscious. He had said he wasn't the only one. Probably wasn't but I couldn’t stomach finding out for sure. I ran away. I lived in a drain ditch by the police station. It snowed and I caught pneumonia and almost died. I spent my time surviving as people continued to hurt me and be cruel to me. Eventually I gave up and drank some cleaning bleach. It made me sick and I threw up blood. To this day I still don't know who found me in the cemetery I had hid myself in to die. I woke up in the hospital. The more I ran the more I tried to understand that love feeling I had read about In books. That landed my.in so many bad situations. I got stabbed five times.and left for dead by a woman I thought loved me. My husband at the time was fucking her so they decided together to get rid of me. I lay in the rain for days outside of town in a ditch. Sure I am tough but at the same time I am weak. Now I have survived my body decided to injure itself. That old programming to stay alive is kicking in. On top of battling this stupid depression it's really messing with my mind. Hopefully by me not killing him will put me on a better path.

I mustn't let this depression crush and defeat me. I should know by now there isn't a happy ending fairy tale. Life is rough. Sigh.

I thought a lot about my past last night. I have decided in order to exorcize my demons I must write them down and face them. Maybe by facing the pain I can finally move forward with my life. Maybe it will give me the courage I need to live and remember how strong I really am.

I am being buried under every day chores. I keep telling Mr. A that I need help. Yet he still doesn't get off his lazy ass and do anything. After nagging for days I still end up doing it all. I am worried that if I have to get a surgery I will have to turn it down. There is no way I can let the house get that bad from his fucking laziness. If he cooks more than once a week he bitches. He doesn't do laundry, he doesn't pick up after himself. Nothing. Meanwhile I am hurting my injury even more trying to keep up. I thought about kicking him out. But right now I am not working. Living on the streets wasn't fun when I had to do so at 15. I don't ever want to have to go back. I've talked to him about it, but he isn't listening. No one seems to realize how much hell I am putting myself through just to make it through each day. I feel like I am way in over my head. And I am alone. I have no friends, no one to turn to. Nothing. Suddenly it doesn't matter I am injured. All that matters is doing what I can to survive. The place I am renting is falling apart and my slumlord landlord won't fix anything. I need to move to a better place. I need an income so I can just cut my ties with him and go my own way. I wanted so badly for this to work. I really cared at one point. Now I know it will never change. He won't clean, he won't be romantic to me. Hell it's like breaking his arm in order to just get even a kiss from him. I have this stupid injury to deal with, 2 kids, no income, and depression seems to be following me around. I tried to tell him I was getting severely depressed. His response was to get over it and he didn't know what to tell me. I even thought about dying again. I mean I don't want to leave my kids in his incapable hands. That though us what stopped me. I got a few years before I could try and take my life again. In the meantime I am having a bad time with no way of keeping my head above the water that is drowning me.